ArtDesignCulture

Things that lasted we didn’t think would make it

In Other on April 28, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Everything about college is designed to be temporary. At the same time, everyone plays their role in a giant scheme to make it appear that everything from college lasts forever. (Hello Gator Memory Book. No I will not be filling you with photos of the french fry statue and Century Tower.)

Everything about college is just an acquaintance. You get acquainted with a subject, and then forget it. Same with most people. You see someone at a holiday party and realize it’s Tim, the friend of Kevin, who you met in your first class of the semester a year and a half ago when you asked to borrow a pencil. You spent six consecutive Mondays meeting them and their group of friends at Boca Fiesta for movie nights, the most memorable of which was the showing of Arachnophobia. Seeing Tim at the holiday party makes you realize that you used to call and/or text a certain group of people during a certain chunk of time and then it just stopped. And though this does happen in real life, it happens in college life ALL THE TIME. Things finally came full circle when Kevin saw you in the library studying for finals on Monday and asked to borrow a pencil.

Few things are designed to last the entire four years of the thing that is college except for maybe a sturdy pair of rubber boots. If you are a transfer student, like moi, you have two years to participate in the farce that is everlasting friendship and knowledge. (My journalism degree is already six years behind the times.)

So without further ado for a post that is actually supposed to be humorous, here are the things that actually lasted two years that we didn’t think would make it:

Fake Cheese!

When I first got to Gainesville, I had me a craving for cheesy Ramen because who would judge me for that in a college town. I proceeded to buy a stack of individually wrapped slices thinking that somehow I would find uses for the seemingly appropriately portioned fake dairy. Though I knew it was fake cheese, Claire confirmed this with Science by noting that it’s melting point is too low for it to actually be dairy as it began melting to our counter at room temperature. Alas, after a couple cheesy Ramens, my craving was satiated for a few years and we still have tons of fake cheese.

200 square feet of aluminum foil!

Decorating our apartment with aluminum foil seemed like an AWESOME idea around the holidays. I spent a few hours making aluminum foil and tissue paper bunting chains AND aluminum foil wreaths. But still, I had aluminum foil. We wrapped ham in it. We wrapped cookies in it. We baked a bunch of shit with it spread all over cookie sheets. And still, we have aluminum foil. Crazytown, I know.

TOMS!

Most of my friends have busted holes in their TOMS by now. Clearly, I have tried to break these stinkers down, but they keep holding on and smelling bad.

Condoms!

And this is not because I condone unsafe sex. I’m just not that good at that part of college, which in the end, is a good thing(?). Thank you Alachua County County Health Department for giving me massive quantities of little reminders of this fact.

“You’re in college, you must take these.” “Nope, really, it’s fine. Save ‘em for the sorority girls.”

Kitten calendar!

I got my roommate this calendar in 2010 to make her happy. We liked it so much that when our friend got us an almost equally awesome zen calendar, we just decided to make the kittens last for two years.

Roomies forever!

While many roommateships don’t last, Claire and I have a real love that transcends “many roommateships.” Seriously, I’m not quite sure what we would have done if we didn’t carpool to visit UF together, only to end up co-signing a lease with a fingers-crossed, “you seem unpsychotic” naive gleefulness. I would have either been a total recluse and driven four hours each weekend to Tampa to visit friends and my mamma. Or I would have made a big ole messy party, courtesy of alcoholism. Claire would have had a more severe mental breakdown during second semester and only talked to chem students. Thanks to me, we talked to a whole variety of batshit crazy, narcissistic journalism students.

But seriously, Claire has become one of my best friends and confidantes, listening to a litany of problems, real or imagined, on a relatively daily basis. We also like to do our make-up together and listen to music. And I shall be a bridesmaid in her wedding this September.

Brian Posehn hates his only tattoo

In Journalism, Other on April 12, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Brian Posehn lost his tattoo virginity at the tender age of 41.

We talked about popping his ink cherry and other things for this piece in the Alligator. (He’s coming to Gainesville April 13!)

But he said some funny things that I wasn’t able to squeeze into the story, so here is the interview Q & A.

Brian Posehn

Brian Posehn (Photo courtesy of Generate)

Talk about the title for your latest album, Fart & Weiner Jokes.
Brian Posehn: You know it was sort of a joke. But I do indeed have a lot of fart and weiner jokes. It was also kind of me making fun of myself, “Lower your expectations, it’s time for the  fart and weenier jokes.” I like to think I do more. It’s just a little self-deprecating jab at myself.

The fact that I’m on a heavy metal label [Relapse Records], I wanted the cover to reflect and have it look like an old-time label album but then with this big goofy joke.

And then having it on radio and making the deejays say Fart and Weiner jokes was a lot of fun for me.

What’s the difference between playing a comedy club and a rock venue?
BP: Nobody goes to a rock club to see comedy by mistake. Even though I’m pretty established, when I play comedy clubs, I still have people who don’t know what they’re in for.

Sometimes I’ll be in Dallas, and there will a 60-year-old conservative lady with her arms crossed saying to her husband, “Is this guy going to talk about fart jokes and his penis the whole time?”

Rock venues are more suited for younger fans. People who don’t want to have to pay a lot. It’s a cheaper night out.

Do you think your jokes are universal or pretty specialized to an audience?
BP: Definitely not [specialized to one audience]. But those people are going to like it on another level. I purposely don’t just dwell on heavy metal. There’s the Slayer joke.

But I feel like I hold people’s hands. Because I don’t want to lose anybody. But on the other hand, you will appreciate it another layer if you do like metal. I think I walk people totally through it.

Can you describe to me a fan who you have seen or met who you never in a million years would have thought would be a fan of yours?

BP: There are people that hit that age range [60s] and love the dirty stuff. Every once in a a while, I’ll look out and see an older woman when I look out there. And then I watch her a couple minutes later, and she is laughing harder than anyone out there.

And the strange thing is the multi-generation thing. Somebody your age [20s] comes out and their parents like it too. I’m like, “I hope that was comfortable listening to that together.”

Do you play metal on a regular basis?

BP: I was right before you called me. Pretty much every day. I listen to other stuff. I’m not just a metal guy. But I’ve always just been obsessed with music. I listen to it morning and night and always in my car.

Occasionally I deviate form the metal. All the stuff I grew up on I like. Rap. Rock. But I’m more of a metal head than anything.

I’ve never played an instrument. I tried and it just didn’t happen.

But I’ve loved [music] since grammar school. Kiss at 9 years old and then AC/DC and Van Halen and then just went heavier and heavier.

My last day job was working at a record store. I wanted to be a metal journalist and then dropped out of journalism. But I have had a lot of writing jobs.

What’s your favorite part about playing a college town?

BP: The kids. I mean, I feel like I do better in those places. There are smart kids, and even though I’m 20 years older than them, I feel like I still have the same interests. Anybody who likes to have a beer and play video games I have a lot in common with.

What do you do about people who are “more metal than you”?

BP: That’s where the song came from. It was me commenting on a thing that I’ve noticed since I was young. Being into Metallica before anyone who was into Metallica and there was a friend of mine in my neighborhood. And you’re already calling me a sellout?

I feel like I sit in the dark [because there are comparatively few huge metal fans] and with some guys you have this instant bond and then some guys just try to test you. Anyone who has spent half of their life listening to metal.

The funny thing is people will listen to that song and not get it. They’ll say, “That song is not even metal.” I’m just like, “Oh god, you don’t even get it.”

You been compared to Snuffalupagus. How accurate do you feel that is?

BP: I love that. That’s the thing I talk about in my act. Maybe not on this record. I have, you know, compared myself to a Muppet. I do the voice. I know when I do the angry voice it sounds like a lot of Jim Henson voices.

When I was younger I kind of compared myself to Eeyore.

My wife would laugh if she heard you say that I am like Snuffalupagus. That is a big part of my persona where it’s just you know lovable and kind of beaten down.

Do you have any tattoos?

BP: A horrible one. I waited till I was 41 to get my first tattoo, I think. It was total peer pressure and being completely hammered with a bunch of my friends. We all got the same thing and now I have this horrible thing on my middle finger. I wear a ring because I hate it so much.

I went home to wife and said, “Honey, I did something stupid?” And she’s all, “Did you sleep with a stripper?” “No, I got a tattoo.” “Oh, good.”

It’s 666, the sign of the devil. It’s so stupid! It’s sort of a reference to the kid in The Omen and Iron Maiden. I hang with out a bunch of idiots so it was someone else’s idea. They are all covered in tattoos so it didn’t matter to them. But I had my virgin skin.

I drive by a laser removal place every day and think about getting it removed.

You passed, Chuck Klosterman!

In Other on April 7, 2011 at 1:09 am

Chuck Klosterman passed the beer test.

The beer test was invented (to my knowledge) by Professor Mike Foley who uses it most often as a yardstick to judge whether or not a profile is adequate. The test is: “Based on what you have read, would you know whether or not you want to have a beer with this person?”

If you did a skillful and professional job of conveying that someone is, for instance,  an eloquent public official and porn-hater, a person sharing his views should want to have a beer with him and a person who does not share his views would not.

At the same time, the subject of the profile should not be offended when he reads it but should find it rings true, at least to some degree.

ANYWAY, I digress. The point is, I wanted to have a beer with Chuck Klosterman after I read his books, and now that I have heard him speak, I really want to have a beer with him.

To be honest, I wasn’t sure that Klosterman was going to pass the beer test. I had seen videos of him during interviews, and he seemed bored and boring. Also, in his books, he talks about being resistive to interviewers, as he is a professional interviewer himself, knows what they are after and is not really into being on the other end of the deal. What I came to realize was that Klosterman sort of absorbs the mood or tone of his interviewer.

This, however, was not an interview. It was a talk. To a bunch of college kids. I thought I would see more j-students. But it was really just the bar crowd from the Toplantic. We can never really get away from each other short of moving (t-minus 24 days).

BUT that meant that he had free reign to do or say as he pleased. Chuck dissuaded all my worries and put on a bully show.

My notes are as follows:

Bad-Acid (He talks about bad acid, which he has never himself had. The cool thing about him saying “bad acid” out loud is that it sounds like “badass-ed.” So it sounds like, “That’s some badass-ed shit.” I’m not sure if this is funny anymore. Now it just seems like an inside joke with myself.)

1) technology fluency

2) humor

3) networking

(Chuck’s tips to me for surviving post-grad.)

Ha, Care Bears! 1:08:08

1/2 sports questions

1/2 journo questions

2 snobby literary reference “questions”

and hipsters murmuring snark for the entire hour and half

The last words he spoke to us were:

“It’t not the quality! It’s the size!”

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